Letting Go of Perfectionism

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All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. – Havelock Ellis

Now that the holidays are in full swing, many of us are stressed.  Stressed about finding the perfect gift, cooking the perfect dinner, creating the perfect holiday atmosphere, being the perfect host or guest, getting recognized as the perfect employee, incorporating the perfect amount of exercise to stay in shape, fitting into the perfect outfit and, of course, looking perfectly happy while doing all of these things!  In short, we are constantly striving for perfection.  Unfortunately, to err is to be human, and there is no such thing as 100% perfect 100% of the time.

What does this yearning for perfectionism cost you?  Memories and happiness to start.  If you are constantly fussing over plating meals, getting the decorations ‘just so’, cleaning every inch of your home before guests arrive, busying yourself while guests are there and focusing more on gym time than family time, you are doing yourself a disservice.  You miss out on what could be amazing opportunities to imprint a memory for life.

Perfectionism can also cost you self-esteem.  Being a perfectionist with your hosting or cooking capabilities easily spills over into every aspect of your life.  Instead of seeing one lackluster review of a party or dish as a chance to learn or grow, it resonates as a complete failure.  This sends your esteem in a downward spiral.  Not only do you start second guessing your abilities as a chef or host, you begin to wonder what else you are “horrible” at.

As you can probably guess, perfectionism also puts your body in a chronic state of stress.  Stress of fitting it all in, stress of doing everything right, stress of feeling like a failure if it’s not right and stress of added pressure on second attempts.  This perfectionist life literally becomes a “disease to please” as Oprah coined.  A chronic state of stress increases cortisol which makes losing or even maintaining weight difficult; increases your risk of diabetes, heart disease and stroke; and compromises immunity.

What can you do to reduce this stress?  Learn to let go of being perfect.  If you are a true perfectionist you are probably laughing at that statement!  Letting go is not easy.  But with the following steps you can slowly let go perfectionism, and embrace your humanness.

  • Admit it! Just like any multistep program, admitting is the first step. If you can’t put your work down easily, feel compelled to continue even after you’ve stopped enjoying the task, refuse help from those that offer and are only satisfied if everyone is gushing over your project – you are a perfectionist.

  • Be Aware of Negative Self-Talk. As a perfectionist, it becomes an automatic reflex to chastise yourself for a job not well done. When a project doesn’t come out perfectly and that negative voice pops in your head, recognize it and acknowledge why you are becoming your harshest critic.

  • Practice Self-Compassion. If you saw your best friend berating themselves, you would most likely show love and compassion to let them know everything is going to be ok. Treat yourself like your best friend. Being compassionate with yourself reduces negative self talk. Understand that mistakes are part of life.

  • Make Mistakes! More importantly, be ok with making mistakes. Errors are a natural process of life and they allow us to learn and grow.

  • Be Open To Learning. Making and accepting mistakes also allows you to become open to the learning experience of it. Ask yourself, ‘what did I learn from this?’ Did you burn the appetizers because you were too busy focusing on organizing the napkin tray? Did you lose sight of the main goal in lieu of quibbling over the fine details?

  • Examine Your Goals and Expectations. As a perfectionist it is easy to pick truly unattainable goals, or at least too many goals to achieve by the deadline. Check in with your goals and to-do’s and evaluate if they are attainable or if your expectations for yourself are too high.

  • Set Priorities. If you find your goals and expectations are beyond your reach, determine which goals and tasks are most important and drop the others. Ask yourself, ‘Is this important enough?’ If not, let it go. If it is, think about enlisting help.

  • Ask For Support. Not only is it hard to let go of perfectionism, it’s hard to let go of doing it all. To be human is also to embrace a sense of community. Embrace your community and just as you help your loved ones, let them help you. When receiving support, however, it’s important to remember that not everyone in your circle is a perfectionist.

  • Lower the Bar. It is common for perfectionists to project their high expectations on to others. It is now time to lower the bar with yourself, and others. When you relinquish control to your inner circle, you’ll be surprised at the results. You’ll find you have more support than you realize. You’ll see how they meet your expectations in unexpected ways. You’ll discover new ways of doing things that work just fine. Finally, you’ll appreciate letting go and embracing less than perfect.


“Practice letting go, and reminding yourself that to the essence of your very cells you are enough. You are good enough just as you are. You don’t need to prove it to anyone. The people who count most will already know, anyway.” – Dr. Susan Biali

Resources:
http://www.courageworks.com/2015/11/living-brave-interview-oprah
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/10/31/how-to-let-go-of-perfectionism/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201310/let-go-perfectionism-pleasing-and-performing
https://www.dailyworth.com/posts/3061-why-being-a-perfectionist-is-holding-you-back/1

Photo Courtesy of: fashion-isha.com

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